Welcome to Cookin' with Roscoe! This is a site about man kitchen culture. You know, guy food, poker food, event food - poker games, football games, barbecues, any event where guys get together and want good food. Get great recipes and easy directions to cook the food you love. Ready to get started?
Learn about the Roscoe Lifestyle
Read Roscoe's Cooking Philosophy
Contribute in our forums!


Smoked Turkey – Not Just For Thanksgiving

Written by:

Ingredients:

12-14 lb. turkey
olive oil, Worcestershire, Cholula
seasoning (Roscoe recommends Montreal Steak seasoning)
brown sugar, pineapple juice, Cholula
BBQ sauce (optional)
Smoker (wood chips of your choice)

Turkeys Must Hate Thanksgiving

For obvious reasons. Or maybe not. Maybe they look forward to it like a little kid looking forward to his birthday, can’t wait for all that attention on his special day. But then someone chops off his head, and there goes the party. So let’s think less about chopping off heads, and more about having turkey all year long. Now the only thing left is to cook it.

To Brine or Not To Brine, That Is The Question

Okay, let’s face it, some swear by the brine, and some (like our mothers and grandmothers for decades worth of Thanksgiving dinners that we’ve all loved), have never brined anything except maybe Grandpa’s work clothes (before they invented washers and dryers). We’ve cooked a lot of turkeys here in the CookinWithRoscoe test kitchen, and the results are in: IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Two Things Matter: The Bird…

Again, there are variables: some only get a fresh turkey, while others defrost their frozen bird every year. And you know what? Sometimes you get a great turkey dinner with either one, and sometimes either one can turn out to be… A Big Dead Dry Bird. Why? Well, sometimes the bird doesn’t want to cooperate. Maybe it’s mad that someone chopped its head off and defeathered it and froze it and it wants to make us suffer so all that turkey anger makes it tough and dry. Who knows? It’s something we can’t really control. But there is one thing we can control…

The Temp

Sure, we all know about those little red pop-up thingies that stick out of the turkey, and are supposed to tell us when it’s done. Okay, really? Do you really want to trust your Thanksgiving Dinner to a red pop-up thingy? Probably not. So get a good digital thermometer, and WHEN IT SAYS 165, PULL THE BIRD OUT!

Now We Come To Method

There are lots of ways to cook a turkey. Ovens are the preferred method for most. Some like to have some fun (while hoping their Home Owners Insurance is payed up) with the deep fried turkey. Just remember: deep dryers don’t come with fire extinguishers, so don’t forget to have one handy.

We Like To Smoke It

Smoked turkeys are really popular now, and for good reason: they taste good. You get that good smoke flavor that seems to go with everything else you’re serving, and let’s face it, it’s fun.

So If You’ve Got a Smoker…

Just prep your bird the same way you’d do it for the oven. Roscoe’s Method: Mix olive oil, Worcestershire and Cholula, rub it all over and inside the bird, even under the skin if you want to, then sprinkle with Montreal Steak seasoning. Or try this: Cut up five strips of bacon, put in blender or food processor with 1 stick of butter, herbs and seasoning, pulse to a fine paste, rub all over the turkey. Then, pop it in at about 230 degrees, close it up, and come back about 4 hours later. Roscoe’s Note: You can drink a lot of beer in four hours, so don’t forget to stock up, you don’t want to run out just when the bird comes to temp, and find yourself at the local party store instead.

Let It Rest

You pulled it out when the temp hit 165. Now you’ve gotta let that bird rest, after all, it’s been working hard in that smoker while you were drinking beer. Twenty minutes or so (tented in foil), and you should be ready.

To Pull, Or Not To Pull

Smoked turkeys can be served a couple of ways. Either carve it up like a regular turkey dinner, or pull it. Like pulled pork. Just yank it off the bone (once it cools, of course), and shred it up with your hands or a couple of forks, then drizzle a mixture of brown sugar, pineapple juice, and Cholula all over to keep it moist, and either serve it just like that, or add your favorite BBQ sauce to it. Serve on sandwiches or tortillas, for the greatest pulled turkey tacos you’ve ever had. Add pickled cucumbers or avocado for even greater tacos, and now you’re…

Cookin With Roscoe

The First Meatloaf – History According to Roscoe

Written by:

Which Came Second?

Historians have long debated the Cave Man’s second meal, as it is universally agreed that the first was a salad, fruits and vegetables being easy to gather and eat raw, especially since fire hadn’t been invented yet to cook them. They didn’t even need a bowl, which was a good thing, because bowls hadn’t been invented yet, either. So Cave Men and Women subsisted on salad for years, maybe even centuries. But they knew they were missing something in their culinary experience, even though The Food Network hadn’t been invented yet to tell them.

The Debate Rages On: Soup or Meatloaf?

This was after fire, of course, because even though you can eat cold soup, who’d want to? And you’d almost think that meatloaf would win, because you don’t really need a pot to cook it in, just shape your dinosaur scraps into a loaf shape, and hold it over the fire. Somehow. Because no one is sure when the grill was invented. Sure, they had sticks, which is what they used to cook marshmallows (marshmallows were around a lot sooner than anyone thought), but it’s never been documented exactly when the Cave Dude figured out how to lay some metal over the fire so their food wouldn’t fall through (they tried with sticks, of course, but… well, you know what happened there, the sticks burned before the food was cooked, this being way before Weber came on the scene).

There Were Always Pots

Didn’t know that, did you? And though, again, no one really knows when the first pot was invented, we know that there were always flowers, and Cave Babes had to have something to put them in, so it only follows that pots were around pretty early, in a historical sense. Which, inadvertently caused…

The First Marital Spat

Even though marriage hadn’t been invented yet, mostly because there was no Las Vegas yet for Cave Dudes and Babes to elope to, man and woman were cohabiting (in Caves, of course). And one day a Cave Dude got a little tired of soup being the only hot meal, so out of frustration, he mashed all the leftovers together, some Sabertooth meat, a little Stegosaurus shoulder maybe, and looked around for something to cook it in. He spotted his Cave Babe’s flower pot (the Cave Babe being away at the time, even though minivans and beauty parlors hadn’t been invented yet), dumped it out, and stuffed his meat scraps into it, threw it on the fire, and as soon as it started to smell good, he knew he had something that would last for millenniums (even though Cave Dudes never thought in those terms, because calendars hadn’t been invented yet, nor historians who sat around reading books and telling everyone what happened before they were born).

The Cave Babe Wasn’t Happy

When she came home to the cave and found her flowers on the ground and her pot being used for something she’d never seen before, she got pretty mad (remember, all she knew at that time was salad and soup, and this was way before the Olive Garden was franchised). The Cave Dude didn’t know what to do in the face of this temperament (this was way before anyone knew about menstrual cycles, not that he’d have brought it up even if he’d known), so he gathered the flowers from the ground, bunched them together as best he could, and handed them to his crying Cave Babe. FTD was invented shortly after.

This Ain’t the Super Bowl

If you come in second place in most things, no one even remembers you were there. Third place, fuggedaboudit. But third place in all of history as we know it? (at least as Roscoe tells it), that ain’t so bad, my friends. Meatloaf’s been around a long time, and it looks like it’ll be around a lot longer. That’s why they invented the Meatloaf Pan. And let’s face it, when they invent a pan for it, it’s not going away.

Roscoe’s Caribbean Style Hot Dog

Written by:

Ingredients:

Hot dogs, buns, cheese, BBQ sauce, onions, garlic beer, mustard, tomato jam, pineapple, pickled cucumbers

This Ain’t No Coney Dog

Yes, you’ve heard that before from the Cookin’ With Roscoe kitchens, and you’ll hear it again. No greasy chili, no skimpy little hot dog. Roscoe goes all the way, and this is it.

What Do You Mean, Caribbean Style?

What it means, is… light and fruity. And we’re not talking about any Chicago style throw a whole pickle on he dog and drown out the taste of it, either. Just subtle tomato, cucumber, and… pineapple.

Yes, Pineapple

On a hot dog? Hey, pineapple goes with pork, doesn’t it? So chop up some fresh pineapple or get it out of a can if you have to, and get ready for some fun, which is, after all, what a hot dog should be.

Steam the Dogs in Beer

Okay, how can this be bad? Make a slit in each dog, kind of like you make a pocket in a pork chop or a chicken breast, not all the way through. Saute’ some red onion and garlic in a little olive oil, then add some Worcestershire and Cholula, then throw in the dogs, then cover with beer. (Roscoe’s Health Note: be sure to taste the beer before you add it to the pot, you want to make sure it’s okay. Then double check, take another sip or two, just to be sure.) You can let this go on low for at least an hour, or until you finish a couple of beers.

Slather in BBQ Sauce

Put the dogs on a hot grill, let ‘em brown up, and slather on your favorite BBQ sauce, making sure to get some in the pocket you created for the beer simmer.

Cheddar Cheese on the Toasted Bun

Then you can assemble the dog — honey mustard along one side, tomato jam along the other, chopped pineapple and pickled cucumbers on top.

Serve With Black Beans

Doctor ‘em up yourself, add some red onion, wine, and BBQ sauce, and you’ve got a Caribbean Style hot dog feast. And remember, you heard it here, cause you’re…

Cookin’ With Roscoe

Pitmaster’s Death Muffin

Written by:

Ingredients: Serves 10

3 lbs. bulk pork sausage

1 1/2 lbs. bacon

Cheddar cheese

English Muffins

Blackberry Jam

Eggs

Cayenne, BBQ rub, Maple syrup

Worth Dying For?

You hear the phrase “To die for” an awful lot when people talk about food. And in most cases it’s overused. Really, who wants “to die for” some chicken breast drizzled with truffle oil, or even an ice cream sundae smothered with Sanders chocolate sauce. And yet, they tell you they would.

What It Really Means

When someone says “to die for,” it usually means that what you’re eating is so rich, has so many calories, so much fat content, and is so big that you literally will probably die if you finish it, but that it tastes so good that it’s worth it.

Well, This Is

It’s a breakfast sandwich that, if it doesn’t kill you, will get you through the day without lunch, propel you through the afternoon, and have you sliding easily into a light dinner (okay, half that sliding will be from guilt, but who’s gonna bust us?).

Pork, More Pork, Egg, and Bread

With a little blackberry jam thrown in for sweetness. And when this was described, there was only one response — How can that be bad? And truth be told, it’s fantastic. An Egg McMuffin on steroids. What the Earl of Sandwich really meant to do when he put meat between bread. he just didn’t know it. Now we all do.

Here’s What You Do

Form your breakfast sausage into a big patty. Cook up about 6 slices of bacon, lay it on top of the breakfast sausage, sprinkle on BBQ rub, and roll it. Wrap the roll in the rest of your bacon (basket weave style), then cover with more BBQ rub, cayenne, and Maple syrup.

Into The Smoker

For 3 hours. Take it out, let it cool, then wrap it and fridge it overnight.

Slice It Up

About 1/2 to 3/4, maybe an inch thick, depending on how soon you want to croak. Place slices on cookie sheet with parchment paper, then into the oven for 30 minutes at 350 to heat. Top with sharp cheddar to melt at the end.

Assemble

Lightly toasted English muffin on bottom, blackberry jam, meat patty, fried egg, muffin on top.

Have Defibrillator Ready

Or at least have someone who cares standing by to call 911, just in case. But hey, you probably won’t need it, and you’ll never have a better breakfast.

Cause You’re Cookin With Roscoe

The First Handyman (History According to Roscoe)

Written by:

Cave Men Did Repairs

You wouldn’t think a Cave Man had to fix much in the cave, but you’d be wrong. Even though the floors were dirt (Pergo hadn’t been invented yet), and the ceilings were made of rock (shingles were a long way off), they always had leaks. And since buckets hadn’t been invented yet to catch the drippings, the Cave Babe got pretty annoyed when her leopard skin rug got wet. Cave Dudes tried to plug the holes, but it was extremely frustrating. Even the Cave Man knew that…

Water Always Wins

And this was way before the Grand Canyon.

We Know Things Today

We know that the checkbook is the most important tool in the toolbox. But even though Cave Men didn’t have tools (hammers hadn’t been invented yet), the checkbook wasn’t far off, since the Cave Babe needed a way to stretch the family budget, and there was no money (cash didn’t come around until after the barter system), so Cave Babes just made a checkmark in the dirt, and somehow they got their way (the actual checkbook came later, after writing was invented).

Cave Babes Were Impatient

They didn’t want to wait for their Cave Dude to come home from hunting Sabre Tooth Tigers or dinosaurs, so they recruited other Cave Dudes to do the work (this was long before unemployment, so there were lots of Cave Dudes hanging around looking for something to do).

No Home Depot

You think the First Handyman could just run down to the local hardware for a couple of nails so Cave Babes could hang up their leopard skin tops? No way. Nails hadn’t even been invented yet (though we’re grateful that leopard print tops were).

No Radio

You couldn’t just tune in to the local station and get helpful hints, either, so Cave dudes had to improvise. Whenever they discovered a way to fix something, they shared it with other Cave Dudes, and that’s how unions got started (they didn’t call them unions back then, because no one had invented dues yet).

The First Hammer Was An Accident

A Cave Dude was pounding a stick in the ground with a rock, but he couldn’t get much leverage, so he tied the rock to the stick and started swinging it around. He didn’t get much work done after that, because that’s really how the first golf club got invented, too.

There’s Always Work to be Done

And somehow not enough time to do it, even back in the days of the Cave Man (remember how golf got started). But sooner or later, someone’s gotta do the job, so next time you’ve got a leaky faucet, or a creaky floorboard, and you don’t know what to do or how to do it…

Tune In To WJR

And listen to the Master Handyman, Glenn Haege. And though he’s been on the air for 30 years now, he’s not quite as old as a Cave Man, but he’s a lot wiser

Another Cave Man Spring – More History According to Roscoe

Written by:

Cooped Up All Winter

At least we’ve got TV. What do you think the Cave Man did all winter in that cave while the frigid air howled and the snow fell and the ice formed (this was all before Global Warming, of course, because Al Gore hadn’t been invented yet, or rather, born). No cable, no DVD, no internet (again, no Al Gore yet). And there was his Cave Babe, dressed in only leopard print (this is way before Victoria’s Secret, but trust us, it’s where they got the idea). And they hadn’t even invented language yet, so there wasn’t a lot of talking.

The First Kiss

Some say this is when it happened. Arguable, of course, as others will insist on a location in Paris, or some romantic canal in Venice, maybe, but everyone knows Paris hadn’t been invented yet, and let’s face it, the kiss had to come along well before the canoe.

Lipstick Was Invented

It happened right away, as the Cave Babe had to have a way to keep her lips soft and moist for the next kiss (yes, she liked it). The color was kind of an accident, as the first Cave Babes tried different things, like tree sap, which was a little too sticky, then campfire ashes, which were too dry, but they kind of liked the color it gave to their lips, so they immediately went to fruit, tried a few different varieties, and decided they liked the red best, probably from smearing strawberry or grapes on their mouths and shortly after that make-up was invented.

Next Came Perfume

Here’s how it happened: The Cave Babe was getting really nauseous from the smell in the cave all winter long (they hadn’t invented deodorant yet), so when the weather finally broke and they could go outside, the first thing Cave Babes noticed was the smell of flowers. So they gathered bunches of flowers, set them all over the cave, and it started to smell a lot better. Then, after a couple futile attempts at more kissing by the Cave Dude, and the repeated rejections by the Cave Babe (see what happens when you don’t use deodorant all winter?), the Cave Babe made the Cave Dude take a bath (in the nearest river, tubs hadn’t been invented yet), and then rubbed some flower pedals under his arms. Cave Dudes thought this was a kind of foreplay, so they did the same to the Cave Babe, and in about nine months there were little Cave Babies.

They Looked Forward to Spring, Just Like We Do

What guy wouldn’t, given all that rubbing? And contrary to popular opinion, Cave Dudes weren’t dumb. They hadn’t invented college yet, but you don’t need a college degree to figure out that women like things that smell good. FTD wasn’t far behind. And the first perfume counter was held over a rock (they hadn’t even thought of Sephora yet).

No Baseball Yet

As soon as Cave Dudes could get out of the cave on a regular basis, they started throwing rocks to each other. Then they would hit rocks with their clubs (they always had clubs, never went anywhere without a club, just in case a Sabertooth jumped out at them from behind a rock; or a single Cave Babe, romance was brutal back then), and baseball wasn’t far behind (Abner Doubleday’s ancestors were Cave Men, had to be).

And If You’ve Got Clubs…

Sooner or later you’re gonna have golf. Before they all had to get jobs, Cave Dudes hung out and played their own version of golf, hitting rocks with their clubs and trying to make the rocks land in holes. Sometimes a dinosaur would get in the way, and the game would be postponed, but they didn’t really care, they all just went to the nearest cave to hang out, and that’s how bars got invented. And when the Cave Babes asked where they’d been when they came home, and the inevitable answer was “I stopped for a cold one” (an instinctive response even back then), they knew water just didn’t cut it, so they invented beer.

Then Came Jobs

Which, truthfully, put a damper on the joys of spring. But once you’ve got Babes and flowers and perfume, not to mention baseball and golf, pretty soon there’s gotta be a way to pay for it all. So Cave Men went to work every day (they didn’t call it that, it was more that they just got up in the morning and went out to catch animals for food and trade, but then one day when a Dude was a little slow getting out, his Cave Babe said “Don’t even think about staying in this cave today,” and the look on her face let him know he’d better get going, and his throat got all tight and he meant to say “What do you mean?” But it came out all garbled, sounded like “Worrrrkk?” And it kind of got stuck in his mind like that. They invented dictionaries a little later, and that was one of the first words they put in).

So Enjoy Spring While You Can

Cave Dudes loved it, and so should we. Because they knew something even before we knew it. After spring comes summer. And that’s when they invented the bikini.

Roscoe’s Mac and Cheese Pizza (with the Secret Ingredient)

Written by:

You’ve Already Heard of It

Of course you have, who hasn’t? And let’s face it, it’s a whacky idea, but when it comes right down to it, putting two of your favorite foods together so you can eat them both at the same time, well… How Can That Be Bad?

Plenty of Recipes Out There

And you can make this as complicated as you want, but why?

Here’s The Concept:

Put your Mac and Cheese on your pizza, put it in the oven, cook it till it’s hot and gooey, then shove it down your throat like you do regular pizza, and wash it down with a beer. But…

Here’s The Secret:

Pepper jelly. That’s right, a layer of your favorite pepper jelly (or sweet pepper spread, Harry and David makes a good one) right on the dough (or pita), then pile on the mac and cheese. You can add other toppings if you like – pepperoni is recommended – then top it off with a little more cheese – Pecorino Romano is recommended – and you’re good to go.

Don’t Worry About the Carbs

Your body needs ‘em. And the sheer joy of eating this fantastic concoction will probably work off a bunch of ‘em. Remember, you can’t go wrong when you’re…

Cookin’ With Roscoe

The Cave Man Super Bowl (History According to Roscoe

Written by:

Cave Men Played Football

Well, kinda. They certainly didn’t call it Football, since language hadn’t even been invented yet, but they grunted and groaned and yelled a lot when they played, just like guys do today. And they crashed into each other and a lot of them got hurt (no pads, helmets, no astroturf), but no one ever worried about not getting into the Hall of Fame, because they hadn’t invented steroids or betting yet.

They Used A Rock

Whenever Cave Dudes got together to take the edge off (back then they played to relax, not to get a college scholarship, college hadn’t been invented yet, that came later, when Cave Parents needed a way to pay for their neanderthal kid’s schooling – much like today, the Neanderthal part, that is), they just picked up a big rock and started throwing it at each other, much like dodgeball, but there were no lines to cross or not, and after they’d throw the rock, they’d crash into each other, because there were no penalties. Let’s face it, there weren’t even any referees. Referees were invented much later, just before bookies, not that they had anything to do with each other.

No Uniforms

Cave Dudes pretty much wore the same stuff – animal skins – and one day a couple of the Cave Babes were watching, and couldn’t tell the difference between their dudes, so they had the idea to have one group (they didn’t call them teams yet) wear the animal skins, while the other didn’t (this is how shirts and skins began). It also began the team names, as the Cave Babes still couldn’t tell the difference between their Dudes (Cave Dudes were too hairy, which is why barbers were invented shortly after), so they started calling them by their animal skin names: Lions, Tigers, Panthers, etc.

They Started to Bet

First on themselves, as a matter of pride: whoever won either got or had to give up a pelt or two, remember, money hadn’t been invented yet, which is why there were no bookies, but that didn’t last long, and it’s still a historical mystery as to which came fist, the dollar or the bookie. Banks came after both.

They Always Had Cheerleaders

The Cave Babes were enthusiastic about their Dudes playing this game, and weren’t shy about showing their enthusiasm, even though they weren’t quite organized in their cheers yet. But their outfits were a lot like the cheerleader outfits of today: a lot of off-the-shoulder stuff, especially in leopard print, which is how Victoria’s Secret really got started.

They Played About Once a Week

Just like today, even though they didn’t have calendars yet. After about ten games, they all got a little tired (and pretty beat up, no helmets or pads, remember?), so they decided to call it a season (they had seasons then, they just didn’t call them that, as weathermen hadn’t been invented yet), and throw a big game to end it all, the winners would get a really big dinosaur skin, and the losers would just get depressed (they hadn’t invented drugs or alcohol yet to dull their senses).

No TV

Even without commercials, somehow they played the game. Advertisers would later (much later) figure out how to cash in on sports, but the Cave Dudes didn’t care anything about that. They played for the love of the game, and the admiration of their Cave Babes, and let’s face it, Cave Babe admiration was probably the real reason, because even back then, guys did most things to get attention from Babes.

The Game Has Really Changed

And that’s only right, nothing stays the same over time, nor should it. Games are played with balls today instead of rocks, though it seems there are still just as many concussions and injuries, even with pads and helmets. And referees and umpires keep the game from getting out of control, even though they make mistakes that change lives and careers. The players don’t seem to mind, though, they get paid an awful lot of money no matter what happens on the field.

Cave Dudes Gave It Their All

The Romans really had the right idea. The Gladiators had to really try, unlike the players today, who get paid no matter who wins. If a Gladiator lost, he got eaten by the Lion or Tiger. It gave him an incentive to win. And okay, we can’t really do that today, even though we might like to throw certain players to the Lions or Tigers (Mike Tyson comes to mind, but the animals would probably welcome him to the den as one of their own).

Winner Take All

If you don’t win, you don’t get any money. That might change the nature of sport. The games might be a little different if the loser just got a bag of rocks. Sure, there might be a few more fights, but at least we’d know they really cared. There might be some real rivalries, as opposed to those the media invents.

We Still Care About the Game

And that’s the way it should be, just like in the day of the Cave Man. We applaud the efforts of the players and coaches, laugh and cry at their heroics and mistakes, live or die by the touchdowns and field goals and fumbles and injuries. The Super Bowl, as with sports in general, has become a microcosm of our lives.

We just don’t want to watch it without commercials.